and other humorous stories

Behind the deep purple mountains the sky was on fire, blood red shadows pulsed across the snow covered pine trees. Flames crawled up into the night sky and were swallowed by the stars.  I was at the edge of time, the end of the world, the only living man in a Land of Spirits.
“Join us!” the Spirits cried.
 I started to climb the Mountain. The icy rocks cut my hands, yet I felt nothing. When I reached a ledge I could see the silhouette of two figures wrestling atop the Mountain. A shaft of fire illuminated them for a second, it was Jesus and Satan locked in a fatal embrace.  I reached out towards them and nearly fell from the ledge into the flickering abyss below.
“Jump!” the Spirits cried.
“Why?” I shouted in anguish.
“Join us!” the Spirits pleaded.
“I cannot!” I screamed and fell to my knees. “I cannot”, I whispered as I knelt.
 Jesus and Satan were swallowed by the fire and then suddenly it was night. Cold kisses were upon my cheeks. My eyes were stinging. I heard someone crying only to realize it was me.
 “Come back” I heard myself say. I was filled with a deep, deep loneness, as if my dearest had passed away.
 “Come back” I opened my eyes just to catch a glimpse of a tunnel of light disappearing into the deep black of space. I reached out, trying to pull back this vision. The stars seemed to fall from the sky, it was snowing.
 I staggered to my feet and made my way through the woods. Waist deep snow drifts were illuminated by an ambient blue moonlight. The trees were inky black against a white silent landscape. I did not know where I was going, but I was sure that I was being lead in the right direction. My heart heavy with a nameless loss and my mind was reeling from all I had seen. I tripped over something like a rock and landed in a cloud of snow. I moved my arms to my side and pushed myself up. There in the snow was the impression of a fallen angel; under the snow was a patch of pavement. I had found the road.
 I slipped and skidded my way down the mountain road. To one side was a forest, to the other a cliff with no visible bottom. Just a few posts along the side of the round marked the boundaries of the pavement. In the distance I heard the roar of some motor. Moments later I saw ever growing pinpoints of light making their way towards me.
 “Snowmobiles” I whispered into the night.
 “We found him” I heard someone say.
 “Bring him down” crackled a voice on an unseen radio.
A snowmobile pulled up to me.
 “Get on” the driver motioned to the back of the sled. I threw my leg over the seat and we were off.
 I was back on earth.

   Other Introductions
“I AM!”
 At the speed of thought, infinite suns form and explode, radiating from the eternal womb and leaving pockets of matter in its wake. Inconceivable awareness of no certain origin tore through the void. Tides of shimmering gases chase the ever expanding blackness, swirling and colliding like luminescent paints thrown to sky, unbound by gravity.
 As the ballet of light and matter danced across the Heavens, the first children came to delight and serve the One. These Angels were like a bit of dust tossed from a Lion’s Mane, born of the wind with a trace scent of its origin. They would observe as the structure of the Universe unfolded, midwives to all Creation.
The Master Architect’s plan was spun from a future of no beginning and no end. What had yet to happen was already preordained. Circles intersecting circles that formed clusters that became simple then complicated structures. The Universe was literally falling into place, an endless tumble into the future that had already become history. Light marking the passage of time…
“I WAS!”
 Echoes of the Creation trapped in light waves. A Cosmic Diary, a Divine Blueprint, the fertile seed of the One that was neither born or conceived. Through telescopes, microscopes, spectrum analysis, measurements of radioactivity and sophisticated scientific devices, mere Mortals try to glimpse of the Mind of the Creator, yet no one could fathom the most fleeting presence of the One that renders all Mortals humbled to the point of being less than nothing.
 Even the First Children could not fully comprehend the One, they would quarrel amongst themselves as to who best could serve the one and acted as a buffer for those who followed. The First Children loved the One and knew no other Father.
The Future was already the past, all things were written and the curtain lifted across the Universe. The Children dwelt in the Valley of the Stars to both observe and be in the play. Only the One could remember the Future, to all others what was to come was a complete mystery.
 The Creator soon turned much of His attention to Mortals. Many of the First Children were jealous and soon the quarrels became divisions. The War of the Heaven’s began. Mortal Souls became pawns to be tempted through their assigned lives. A Mortal’s actions could very well determine the course of the War. This is quite troublesome, for Mortals have no recollection of the Past or the Future; even the Present is a great challenge.
 This is the story of Mortal Life, as witnessed by Angels and Devils on a stage Created by God.



 It could have been a dream, but how could a four year old even think of things like space ships, angels, souls waiting to be born?
  I have heard that humans only use about ten percent of the brain (I use much less according to the word on the street), so does the other ninety percent hold hidden memories? Have the footsteps of some past ancestor left etchings deep in the caverns of our memory? Has a record been kept, our own black box flight recorder, tucked away in the fragments of our DNA? All these speculations mean very little to a four year old.
 At four everything is new and finally within reach, well almost within reach. Just like the cookie jar, the moon is just a little too far, even on the tips of shaky toes. Yet all children stretch their tiny fingers, hoping to grasp the shiny orb of the night sky. How much fun would the moon be! To hide the moon under the night sheets, bounce it across the floor, roll it down the hallway and most importantly, learn the secrets of the Man in the Moon.
 One evening, just as the little boy was falling asleep, he heard a big commotion outside. He jumped out of his bed and went to the window; an orange light bathed him as he squinted at a suddenly bright night sky. What he saw was amazing! The moon seemed to fill the entire sky; it was so close that people could actually jump onto the moon.
 The little boy pushed the window as hard as he could and got it to open just big enough for him to wiggle out. He was a little worried; he had never been outside at night before. Mommy and Daddy might get mad! He was not supposed to go outside without permission. The moon beckoned and the Boy thought very hard about what to do. He quietly stepped over to his parents window and whispered,
 “Mommy, Daddy, if you are awake, I am going to the moon. OK?”
 No sound.
 “Mommy, Daddy, are you sleeping? Don’t wake up because you will get mad.” They really did not like noise at night. Daddy would always say, “Be quiet in there!” or Mommy would say “Shh, or you will wake the dead.” which was always very funny.
 Still there was no sound. Perhaps his parents had already gone to the moon. Why would they go without him! It wasn’t fair! Maybe they forgot him! What if they stayed on the moon so long it was chased away by the sun. He would be all alone! They would be scared or lost! They might jump off in China and have to adopt a Chinese baby! What if the Chinese were already on the moon? Of course, that is why the moon was so low, it was weighed down with Chinese People. They are always hungry, they must want the cheese! He had to save his parents from the Chinese Moon Jumpers! Noise or no noise he had to save his Parents from certain doom!
 The moon did not seem so big anymore. Could it already be on its way to China? What to do? The little boy found a piece of rope and his cowboy pistol in the back yard. He was ready to take on the escaping moon and any Chinese Moon Jumpers he could find. He ran towards the moon and then stopped suddenly. He forgot about the great big fence.
 “I’ll use my rope!”
 He kept throwing the end of the rope onto the fence, but nothing happened.
“Just how do the cowboys do it?” he wondered. “Oh, they make a big circle at the end of the rope!”
So he made a circle with the rope and tied it all together, just like he would tie his shoes. Satisfied that he had done it just like the cowboys he took the rope and flung the whole thing over the fence. The little boy stared for a while. He figured something wasn’t quite right with his plan. He had to get the rope back and try again. Then he remembered how a puppy had gotten into the yard. The puppy had dug a hole under the fence. So he crawled through the little puppy hole and was on the other side. He soon found the rope and was just about to throw it back over the fence when he looked up and noticed that - the moon was getting away!
“I have got to catch the moon!” he thought and moved towards it, fearing that the moon would escape with his parents. Just then he heard strange voices. The little boy slipped into the shadows and crept as silently as an Indian. He could see that the voices were coming from some people dressed very bizarrely. They wore all black, with shiny zippers and medals hanging from their jackets. They had little beards, long shiny hair that they seemed to be constantly combing and big black boots. The little boy got closer to hear what strange men were saying.
 “Yea man, like those tunez were real smooth.”
 “Cool and smooth, those catz man, layin’ it down.”
 “Rockin’ the bebop baby.”
 “Chinese men!” the little boy exclaimed.
 “Waz’at?” one of the men said as they moved towards the shadows were the little boy hid. The little boy started to back away when he remembered his cap gun. He jumped out of the shadows brandishing his pistol and trusty rope.
“Whoa!” said the startled men and they stepped back, puzzled by this little boy in pajamas waving a small gun.
With determination the boy commanded, “You cannot take Mommy and Daddy to China, get my parents off the moon right now!”
 “Man, this kid is flipped.”
 “Wacko man.”
 “Waz’at??” asked one of the men, pointing at the gun.
 “I don’t speak Chinese” said the little boy, “speak English!”
 The men started to laugh, the little boy started to get very mad.
 “What is that in your hand?” asked one of the men.
 “It’s my rope and my official Roy Rogers cowboy pistol”
 “What you gonna do, shoot us and tie us up?”

The little boy knew he needed bullets, but these moon-jackers from China didn’t know that. There were still a couple of Super Bango Caps for most cap guns in the pistol. Perhaps he could fool the Chinamen. He pointed the pistol in the air and..


“Quiet kid!”
“Oh crap, lights are comin’ on”
Lez split man.“

Down the street the black leather clad Chinamen ran. Black silhouettes briefly illuminated by lights coming on in the neighborhood. Men in bathrobes started to come out of suddenly thrust open front doors. Women were peaking out of windows. Suddenly from across the street a door opened and out came a woman in a robe, her hair in curlers. She was holding a broom as if it were a rifle. She spotted the little boy across the street and pointed the broom in his direction.

“Mean Mrs. Neary!” exclaimed the little boy. He mustn’t get swept up by that terrible broom, a thought he might find terribly amusing if he survived this night of terror. The little boy ran, but he was not fast enough, Mean Mrs. Neary had already grabbed him by the back of his pajamas and lifted him off the ground. Maybe she was a witch! He had heard someone say she was a real witch. She did have a broom! Witches eat little boys, oh no, the little boy was doomed. His parents kidnapped by Chinamen and taken to the moon; now he was about to be eaten by a witch. He had seen what condemned men did when facing certain death. The dangling little boy turned to the witch and said,

“I demand a last request”

“What? What is that?” asked a puzzled Mrs. Neary.

“I demand you get on your broom and fly to the moon and then you can eat me.”

“How dare you, where are your parents”

” They are on their way to China. “

‘We will see about this, come with me.”

Well the little boy was in no position to refuse, suspended in the air, hanging in his sleepers, in the icy grip of the witch! So this is what it is like to die. At least he would die a hero. Only one thing left to do before going to heaven. The little boy turned to the witch and said,

“I would like a cigarette please.”

“Is there no end to your impudence? You are in plenty of hot water now young man.”

The little boy was stumped! He was not sure what impudence was, but it sure sounded like he was going to get a bath! No wait, not a bath, he was going to be made into soup. Little boy soup, how awful, he would have to sabotage the Mean Mrs. Neary’s plan. Suddenly he had an idea! No witch would ever eat him-he had a secret weapon!

“I am going to poop in your soup!”

“I should wash your mouth out with soap!” said Mean Mrs. Neary. She had a plan! She must have dealt with the threat of poopy soup before. Of course he had heard of the old wash your mouth out with soap trick before, but never thought the soap could come out of his rear, this was truly the end.

Suddenly the little boy realized that he was at the door to his house. There were lights on inside, the door swung open and there was

“Mommy!” said the little boy, looking a bit like and airplane dangling from Mrs. Neary’s outstretched arm. The little boy was plucked from Mrs. Neary and was glided to the floor. Mrs Neary put her hands on her hips and shouted,

“I found him playing out back. Why he woke up the entire neighborhood with that cap gun. What was he doing out at this hour! And what a mouth on that boy!”

“I am sooo sorry Mrs.’ Neary, Young Man-what were you doing out of your bed! Wait till your Father hears about this-he is out back right now checking on all the noise we heard. We were worried sick! You get right into your bed this instant!” and she whacked him on the fanny in the direction of his room. Her voice and Mean Mrs. Neary’s muffled by the door he closed behind him. The little boy climbed into his bed and thought,

“Maybe next time I’ll just leave them on the moon.”


More Secrets – An open letter to The A Deck

There is no such thing as the speed of light. Light energy merely travels at the speed the Universe allows. The Universe is a fluid. Particles surf the flows of the Universe. Light particles can only move as fast as the flow of the Universal tides.

Most folks agree that the Universe started as a “Big Bang”. Many spiritual documents (like the Bible) allude to some sort of instant of Creation. Some astrologists have measured “Red Shifts” (measurements of light refractions that indicate whether an object is moving towards or away from a specific point) and conclude that the Universe is expanding. Expanding is good, while contraction is probably counter productive to life as we remember it (I digress). The expansion of the Universe is exactly the same speed as light can travel, as light can only move as fast as the Universe can expand (or contract, as we will see).

So what was the Universe like before the “Big Bang”? We only have to examine so called Black Holes for the answer. Rather than being contracting stars, these are remnants of the Universe before the “Big Bang”. Just as we may bury our darkest thoughts, Black Holes are fragments of the creation process that resist expansion. Theologically it could be argued that these are parts of the Universe that are consciously suppressed or even resist expansion. As much fun as it is to travel down that path (and the foundation of many epic tales) it is important to note that no light escapes from a Black Hole. Only X Rays seem to emanate. This is interesting, why would anything emanate from a negative source? How is an X Ray different from a Light Wave? How can a Light Wave seem to flow into an object and disappear? Why don’t I like tomato soup (even after repeated tries)?

Remember that I said the Universe is a fluid? How could I make such an outrageous statement? Other than copious amounts of mind altering chemicals (actually, your mind cannot be altered, only modified) it is through observation that most theories are developed. There is no such thing as a vacuum in space. It is very easy to prove. If you were floating anywhere in our solar system (let’s say about 500 miles over Saturn) and you help up your hand, you would see your hand (or at least glove-we will put you in a space suit). You see your hand because of the light of the Sun. Why does the sunlight travel out from the sun, why doesn’t it just stay in one place? Why does light travel? The answer is that the leeching effect of the fluid of the Universe actually pulls light particles away from its source, but not quite the way you would think.

If I place a drop of water on a paper towel, the water spreads out as far as it can be absorbed. Now if I suspended a solid, like grape kool-aid in the water I would see that the stain would be darker in the center and lighter as it spread out. Our Solar System mirrors this drop of kool-aid, it is more dense in the center and lighter as it spreads out (with the Gas Giants and water in the form of Comets at the extreme edge of our Solar System). Now imagine this paper towel as the Universe before the “Big Bang”. The paper towel is the fluid in which the Universe is suspended; the paper towel is completely saturated with kool-aid. The kool-aid is evenly dispersed among the fibers of the paper towel, but at some point, the solids in the kool-aid (let’s say the sugar) begin to merge together, forming crystals and begin to precipitate. Since the universe is three dimensional (at least) the precipitation falls out from the center of the event, causing more and other reactions. This is the “Big Bang”. Now whether or not the paper towel dissolves and becomes part of the stuff that becomes matter is immaterial (unintended play on words) because matter behaves as it is still suspended in a fluid. Eventually the fabric of space will return to it’s original state, or will eternally fall away from itself.

Many scientists believe that space is curved while space is actually straight lines moving outward from the center, making the furthest reaches appear curved. It is likely that the universe is expanding at an equal rate across it’s circumference, but it is just as likely that the density of the suspended materials are uneven and take longer or shorter times to precipitate causing the edge of the Universe to be uneven or oblong. Space may appear curved because matter wants to form in the center of pockets in the fabric of space.

Matter attracts matter. Matter collects in the cradle of a wave, like water collects in a paper towel. Matter can come together as an atom, or even components of an atom. As an atom forms inside little pockets in the fabric of the Universe, the fabric behaves like a fluid and ripples to accommodate the newly formed matter; these ripples toss other matter around until only mater of the same mass rides along the same ripple (or wave). Groups of lighter mass objects attract a single or equally balanced mass (like H2O). This is like smaller waves within larger waves. Each long wave is composed of waves radiating from a central point yielding an unlimited (or nearly infinite) amount of points that radiate in all directions, but each of those points radiate from the Center of the Universe. That is to say that any point in the Expanded Universe is a mirror image of the initial “Big Bang”. This is because that is how the Universe behaved at the beginning and there is no other behavior to modify it to do anything else. Just as the Universe expands outwardly infinitely (but is not infinite) any point in the Expanded Universe wants to pull towards itself. Since the expanding Universe is out of balance with the part of the Universe not yet precipitating, the Universe will keep expanding until it is pulled back by the same force that created it.

Therefore you are free to roam the Universe, however not everything is free, like this web site. A few folks have offered to chip in and keep the site going (until I can get back on my feet) but have not been able to do so. Our yearly fee is coming up and I am starting to get a little paranoid about the end of this Universe. Many hands make light work; just a few dollars from you could keep us flying for another year. I don’t like asking for help and I really hope this is the last time I will have to. Please either write or Paypal to this address: - everyone that helps out will get a nice thank-you gift.

Up next: Why there is no such thing as anti-gravity-real interstellar transportation devices-shortcuts to there> X Rays and Black Holes

To be continued,,,